With Lifted Hands

I'm a big fan of to-do lists.  I like LOVE the satisfaction of crossing something off or completing it and moving on to the next item.  While I may have way too many lists, they help motivate me, keep me accountable, and not forget something in the busy-ness of life.  In other words, they give me a sense of control.  And, if I'm honest, my to-do list is one of the few things in my life which I can control.  Whether it's big things or small, there's a lot that just is what it is, and we have to deal with the good, bad and ugly every day.  

But today, I had an insight about my relationship with God and my attempts to control that as well!  Thankfully, I don't have to achieve a certain status or perfection in my life to be in a relationship with God, but I do like to bring my lists to God.  That's not a bad thing at all, but I tend to present them in the following mindset, "Okay God, here's where I'm struggling, and this is the healing I'm praying for, and I'm lifting up XYZ."  Sounds a lot like my to-do lists.  But prayer, and especially a relationship with God, is not lived out in a checklist of to-dos.  Moving through my prayer requests doesn't get me to the next level or earn me a gold star.  When I think I'm being efficient and organized, I'm actually missing the bigger picture.  My relationship with God is not lineal, nor are his graces and blessings and answered prayers.  Yet I get stuck on a situation or I continue pounding on a closed door because I've limited how I want to receive God's answer.  

Today's Gospel, from Luke 5:27:32, fit my pondering.  It starts with:

"Jesus saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at the customs post. He said to him, “Follow me.” And leaving everything behind, he got up and followed him."

I think about the TOTAL RESPONSE that Levi gave to Jesus; he didn't pause, he didn't question, he got up and followed.  In my musing, I questioned if I could respond like that.  I'm a cautious person, and I thrive on information and details; I doubted I would respond as the tax collector did.  As that fleeting thought crossed my mind, I moved on to reading the Meditation of the Day from the Magnificat, pictured below.

 That's when I noticed the flashing neon sign in my mind.  Every line of this shouted out to me, 'This is what it means to get up and follow.'  I realized that while I thought I had offered certain challenges and situations to God, pleading for His insight and wisdom, I hadn't taken the final step.  There was one more item on my spiritual 'to-do' list, something I hadn't noticed, and honestly, I would have preferred to leave it off:  to "accept that God can now act freely with us, without consulting us, far beyond proposals we might present for our lives."  

Well.

That seems like a pretty big leap of faith.

As my mind attempted to control the direction of my thoughts, the following song started to play - With Lifted Hands by Ryan Stevenson.  Pretty hard to ignore God's message, especially when it's delivered in song!  I was equal parts chagrined at the realization and amused by the situation.  Check out the lyrics and try not to smile at the message:

I have tasted all that this world has to offer. The here and gone that leaves you wanting more but can't satisfy.

Father, forgive me for taking so long to see that You're all I need

With every heartbeat in my chest. Lord, I surrender all that I have; The days yet to come, the days in the past; I'm giving You all I am, With lifted hands, with lifted hands

You show me mercy when I've done nothing to deserve it. You see the best in me beneath the dust, because that's how You love, that's how You love

You rush through my veins, I'm wrecked and I'm changed and my soul will sing

With every heartbeat in my chest. Lord, I surrender all that I have; The days yet to come, the days in the past; I'm giving You all I am, With lifted hands, with lifted hands

Heaven or grave, There is no place I can go to escape Your love, no-no
Heaven or grave, There is no place I can go to escape Your love!

So with every heartbeat in my chest, Lord, I surrender all that I have; The days yet to come and the days in the past; I'm giving You all, all that I am; I'm giving You all, all that I am
With lifted hands
With lifted hands
With lifted hands
With lifted hands

There was the last step of my prayer, outlined in song.  I had told God I was turning things over to Him; I had poured out my heart, trying to release my expectations, but I kept coming back to my unfinished 'list'.  God had been inviting me to follow Him, which meant more than relinquishing control (which I kept bringing to prayer); God was asking me to give Him control of me.  

To give Him permission to move "freely . . . , without consulting . . . , far beyond proposals we might present for our lives."  

With lifted hands.