Waiting

Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord! ~Psalm 27:14

I love to wait . . . . [said no one, ever]!

Umm, no thank you.

While there are different levels of waiting i.e. waiting for results from a medical test, waiting for news of a baby's birth, waiting for a family celebration, it can be hard to have joy when the waiting feels prolonged or without fruit.  I'm not referring to waiting for a pizza delivery or for the book you've been dying to read, either!  This is the waiting that involves soul-searching and trust in God.

How are you?

Recently, someone asked me how I was.  Before I could even think, I automatically replied, "Fine."  I paused for a nano-second, and then clarified.  "Actually, I'm stressed out about xyz, but everything else is fine."  I'm not exactly sure what compelled my revision of the socially expected response.  We are seemingly programmed to respond, "Fine," whether it is true or not.  Maybe because we don't want to reveal problems and insecurities, or maybe because the person asking isn't interested in an answer with more than one syllable.  It is interesting to ponder.

How are you?

Fine.  

The Puzzle of Life

 I cam across this quote recently, and it really resonated with me.  

If you can trust a puzzle company to make sure every piece is in the box to complete the puzzle, then why can't you trust God that every piece of your life is there for a reason?

I love puzzles, whether jigsaw or not.  I like the challenge of taking a bunch of seemingly random pieces and seeing them take shape.  I enjoy the thrill of putting in the final piece, or the joy of finally finding the right place for that stubborn piece that looked like it was in the wrong puzzle box!  I've frantically searched for missing pieces that seemingly vanished and leave the puzzle unfinished (maybe they went to the place that missing socks live?!).  I've placed pieces where I thought they fit, then discovered the piece that truly fits and had to change what I thought was complete.

What an amazing analogy for life!!!!!

Did I miss the apocalypse?

Once again, I'm drawn back to reflect on life, especially in our current setting.  This extreme change in our social behavior feels unreal, as if I woke up in totally different world than the one before.  I didn't realize just how many things I've taken for granted, both big and small.  And maybe even more telling are the things that are no longer available that I didn't value when they were.

It's tempting to panic.  It's tempting to deny.  It's tempting to complain and moan and despair.  But I choose something more.  Something better.  I choose hope.  Because, let's face it, who likes to talk to a pessimist?  So why would I want to live that way?

A Return to the Ordinary

I've been pondering lately what it means to live the liturgical season.  I've found some amazing
resources, inspirations, and overall felt a greater awareness of the importance and wisdom in the seasons in our church.  I'm usually one who drags my feet when it comes to putting away decorations and taking down my Christmas tree.  I absolutely love the glow of Christmas lights, especially when entering an otherwise dark house.  It's inviting and warm and evokes feelings of happiness and joy.  That's not to say that there is any magic that emanates from these bright globes, they will glow whether I've had a good or bad day, whether it snowed one inch or ten.  But like Pavlov's dog, I seem to have conditioned myself to find, see and welcome joy into my life more quickly when the tree is lit.  I also love the parallel that as we approach the shortest day of the year, we enjoy our lights while we crave and seek the true Light - Jesus Christ.

Behavior Modification

A snapshot into my life right now would reveal that I am doing the following (among other things):

• Learning Spanish
• Attending Financial Peace University
• Reading Perfectly Yourself 
• Studying Resisting Happiness in a small group
• Singing with 20 ladies
• Working a second job
• Keeping a holy hour at church

These activities are different and varied, but they all have 2 things in common.  They take time, and they require a change in my behavior.  Behavior modification.  That sounds painful, doesn't it?  When I hear those words, I picture an iron gate clanging shut, as if I were locked up or imprisoned.  It can evoke images of difficulty or rigidity. But if I want to participate in and succeed at these activities, I must embrace (or at least work on) behavior modification.  For instance:

• I must do my homework, rather than watch TV.
• I need to create and follow a budget, rather than wonder where my money goes.
• I have to make time to read the books that will make me a better person and help me achieve my goal of Heaven.  This also means taking time to reflect and be silent.
• I have to commit to practicing and being present at rehearsals and performances.
• I will be consistent in responding to the duties of my job, instead of waiting until the last minute and hoping things get done.
• I desire to improve my prayer life and act counter-culturally, spending time in prayer and listening to God.  

All of these actions take time and require me to do more (sometimes much more) than the minimum.  I admit, it's a lot easier to come home, plop in front of the TV (or Amazon Prime, in my case), and browse the internet or waste time on electronic devices while mindlessly snacking.  An occasional 'veg-out' time is acceptable, but a regular routine such as this leads to dissatisfaction, apathy and stagnation.   

Chasing joy

Daylight Savings Time- my favorite time of year (major sarcasm).  Losing an hour of sleep is not on my list of good ideas.  I have enough struggles with distractions and temptations on my own; I do not need an outside source robbing my of my sleep!

Pardon my mini-tantrum, I'm short on sleep . . . ha ha.

They can take away my sleep, but I shouldn't also give away my joy.

A New Normal - A New Lent

Three days before Ash Wednesday 2017, there was a change that happened. It came without fanfare, without pomp and circumstance.  It would forever impact my life, my family, and my heart, but it was disguised as ordinary life.  On that day, February 26, 2017, Mom was admitted to the hospital, never to return home.  While this moment was unexpected and alarming, I did not anticipate the path we were on, and where it would lead.  Life became Lent, and Lent became my life, although I wouldn't truly recognize this until much later.    

A New Normal - one day at a time

Today is Mom's birthday.  She would have been 85.  I'm not sure whether this day will be a day of sadness or a day of grace.  Probably both.  Part of me wants to celebrate her life, and the other part wants June 26 to start immediately.  I guess I'm a little gun-shy after the experience of Mother's Day.


Mother's Day.


Who knew such a beautiful holiday could magnify my grief?

The craziness of life

It's been a long time since I've posted, and I think my circumstances are affecting my writing.  Some of it is procrastination, lack of discipline, and laziness on my part, but I've also not had a strong desire to write, mostly because I haven't thought I have much to share.  So, just like I've been living out of 'boxes' for the past months, my writing has been buried away, waiting to be unpacked and organized.  Don't get me wrong, I love where I am, and God is so very good to me, but I can really relate to a version of this well-known phrase by St. Augustine:  ". . . our soul is restless until it finds rest in You."  Or maybe my version would go like this, 'my soul is restless until I can put some order in my life.'

I guess, in some ways, I've used this time of transition as an excuse to become complacent.  I can see it in my haphazard Bible study time, my inconsistent prayer time, and my incorrect assumption that everything will be 'fixed' when I have my own place.  Yet, I know that I'm on a journey toward Heaven, and a 'permanent' address from the USPS isn't going to give me a perfect, organized prayer life or unlimited inspiration.  Granted, there will be some chaos that I will remove from my life, but I think the lesson has been much more important than inconvenient.  

I see this time of transition as an extended retreat.  The way that this change came about in my life was so smooth in the opportunity and the timing, I knew it was God's plan being manifested.  I think if I had gone directly into a routine here i.e. Instantly selling my house or finding one here, without traveling through times that required patience and trust, things might look a little different.  The transformation of my life on the outside (new job, new city, new focus) may not have reflected the reality of my life on the inside.  And so, I praise Him.




  

Pentecost 2016

Happy Birthday, Church!

Today we celebrate the Feast of Pentecost.  We wear red to signify the tongues of fire that descended upon the apostles.  We also get to sing a sequence.  The sequence is only required on certain feasts, Pentecost being one of them.  The sequence is used to increase the solemnity of the feast, while allowing us to further explore the celebration.  Think of it as extra frosting of our already delicious Mass!  

As I was anticipating the Mass today, I read my book study commentary.  This sentence really stood out, "The strength of our love for Jesus is the measure of how well we keep his commandments and word, how well we care for each other."  Read it again.  "The strength of our love for Jesus is the measure of how well we keep his commandments and word, how well we care for each other."  I don't know why it struck me this particular time, as it's not a new message by any means.

"He said to them, 'You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and the first commandment.  The second is like it:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'"  ~Matthew 22:36-46

Thankful Thursday - Home, sweet home

Well, that was fast.

As in, I got an offer on my house and they wanted to close in 15 days!  Yikes.  Yesterday was closing, and now I am without a house.  Thanks to my fabulous realtor, Steve, for his time and commitment.  I am grateful for the opportunity to work with him.  God is good.

Having listed my house in January, shortly after I opened the current chapter in my life journey, I wasn't sure what to expect in terms of speed.  "The housing market is good," they said.  "Your house will sell quickly," they said.  I guess it's all relative.  

It's official!

It was definitely evident that God had a plan, even if I didn't know the details of said plan.  For one thing, I was never panicked about the sale of my house.  That's not to say I didn't have moments of anxiety or doubt.  Yet, I had a peace about the situation that wasn't of this world.  I am grateful that God granted me the grace of patience in this situation.  I had just experienced God's plan when I accepted my new job, so it made sense that this would have been figured out already.  Cross that off of my to-do list :-)

One thing that really made me smile was the timing of the offer.  I had been planning a surprise party on May 1, and the venue ended up being my unoccupied house, for lack of a better option.  The phone call about the offer came April 27, and I just knew that the timing was certainly of God - enough time to wrap things up, have the party, finalize details, and revel in God's goodness.  I liked the idea, too, that this happened around Tasha's birthday - I'm sure she had her fingers in there as well.

Celebrating the sale :-)

What's next?  I'm not sure.  In the next moments, I want to focus on God's goodness and the gifts I have received.  I cannot express enough how thankful I am for everyone's love and support.  So I will close with this prayer:

Ephesians 3:14-19  "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

The house formerly known as mine :-)

Perfect timing

I was looking back at some of my posts while trying to find a fitting title for this one.  I've noticed that my recent focus appears to be on time, i.e. God's timing, patience, seasons, etc.  This one is in much the same vein.  There is so much to say, I'm not sure my thoughts can be expressed completely.  Life is complicated.  In one breath we experience joy, and the next, sadness.  Time is the great equalizer, granting perspective or hindsight.  There are so many pieces that we don't understand while they are happening, but occasionally, we can look back and glimpse God's work in our lives.

I was recently back to my old 'stomping grounds' as I was playing for a wedding.  Interestingly enough, the cantor was my former neighbor.  We practiced a few times, and chatted back and forth via text.  We talked more in the last two weeks then we probably did in the five years I lived across the street.  She made a comment to me that she wished we had connected sooner.  I agreed.  Sometimes it takes big changes to see something that's right across the street.  Yet, I believe that God's timing is perfect, even if it is occasionally confusing.  

All in God's time

Living in the present - being present - living with full awareness.  I do not do these well all of the time, but I'd like to think that I am persistent in my efforts.  I choose my attitude and my effort.  Some days are harder then others.  Yet, through it all, I am aware of God.

God is good.

So naturally, we all wish to respond:  All the time.

And, if we've done that, the next step is:  And all the time . . .

GOD IS GOOD!

Even when there are crappy times and struggles and pain and hurt, our sovereign God is still loving us, reaching for us, inviting us closer.

Thankful Thursday 3/3/16 - The Unexpected

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13

So, my Thursday started like any other day.  Lots to do at work.  Go to Mass.  Stop to visit my parents.  Eat supper with them.  Fracture my foot on my way out the door.  The usual routine.  Wait . . . . What???  

Well, I took the 2nd last step as if I were on the bottom step, and down I went.  The irony is, we worry about my parents tripping and falling, and I"m the one who fell!  Oops.  The doctor says I'm in the boot for now and he wants to see me in 10 days.  

Well, that certainly wasn't part of MY plan.  I just attended a healing Mass the night BEFORE!  Rotten timing.  Just another reminder that I'm not in charge :-)!

I'll admit, I have a history of crazy foot injuries.  Well, only 2, but they are unique.  The time I stepped on a pork chop bone when I was a kid (this is when you gave food bones to your dogs on the farm and they left them all over) and it punctured my shoe and foot and I had to get a tetanus shot.  Or the time I sprained both of my ankles at once when I was first out of college, living by myself (I blame my platform shoes).  Stairs were especially challenging.  Talk about being immobile!  

Thankful Thursday - reminders

Picture this.

I'm on my hand and knees carefully running my palm over the carpet in my room.  I'm desperately feeling for the back to my earring.  Naturally, it's a small, clear back for dangling earrings and I have a cream white carpet. Not a good combination.  As I'm tamping down my frustration, trying to decide how much time I really should spend looking for this, a bible story comes to mind.  The woman who lost a coin:

"Or what woman having ten coins and losing one would not light a lamp and sweep the house, searching carefully until she finds it?"  ~Luke 15:8

I glance around and think, 'No way am I moving everything in this room!'  The room isn't that big, but not for a single, replaceable earring back.  It's not worth it.  And yet, I am reminded that when either I or another person is lost, God would overturn everything to bring us home.  

"And when she does find it, she calls together her friends and neighbors and says to them, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found the coin that I lost.’ In just the same way, I tell you, there will be rejoicing among the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”  ~Luke 15:9-10

Remember

December 15, 1990.

The day Donny died.

It was one of my first experiences with the sudden loss of someone close to me.  We were neighbors and friends.  We rode the same bus, and played together at each other's homes.  I was devastated by the sense of loss and the sheer emotion that poured out of me.  

That particular grief has lessened over the years.  Time softens the sadness, while still allowing the memories to remain.  I don't remember when I stopped asking why it happened.  I don't think any answer will suffice this side of Heaven.  Yet I can look back now and instead of wonder what might have been, I can appreciate what was.  My reminiscing isn't motivated by regret, rather, it is a strong reminder that even after so many years, my memories can be a gift.  

As I have more recently experienced the death of my niece, I know that it is a gift to have others share their memories of her.  This sharing can lessen the sting of the loss because it unites those left behind. These shared experiences are a gift given to those who grieve.  To me, it says that you recognize my loss, my suffering, and my sadness.  You give me the gift of remembering.  It doesn't really matter if you knew her or not, because when you honor her memory, you honor me.  

Looking back

This time last year I was preparing for a trip of a lifetime - a pilgrimage to the Holy Land.  How do you top that?  Looking back on this year it's been amazing and ordinary, challenging and blah.  Apparently I don't do the middle ground.  So my prayer this Advent is for a continued awakening.  One day, one person, one moment at a time.  Join me, won't you?

". . . Therefore, it says:  'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.'"  ~Ephesians 5:14

What now?

I've been neglecting my writing again, and I only have myself to blame.  It's easy to live with distractions that keep us from what we truly desire.  Add to that the overwhelming evil in our world, and things feel a bit chaotic.  Same-sex marriage, selling aborted babies, shootings, sex trafficking; how do we understand our world?  Where do we begin?  Our actions are under even more scrutiny, as anything we say or do, online or off, can be taken, twisted, and used out of context.  It's enough to make a person want to run for a nice cave, far from civilization!  With all of these thoughts in my head, it's no wonder that I'm feeling bit lost.  

So, what do I know?  I know that God is faithful, even and especially when the world is not.  I know that this life is temporary, and a better one is waiting in eternity.  I find Paul's prayer for the Ephesians in Chapter 3 offers comfort:

"14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[h] in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self, 17 and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  20 Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine, by the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."  ~Ephesians 3:14-21 (NABRE)

So, in the midst of my confusion, I try to hold to that promise:  to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that I might be filled with all the fullness of God.  Eternal One, Ancient and Wise, I thank You for Your gift of love, given extravagantly to us.  Help me to live that love in Your fullness, according to Your plan.    

Thankful Thursday 5/28/15 - Giving Thanks

Okay, I'm a few days off, but it was a short week and I got my days messed up.  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it :-)  I wanted to post a quick update on my great-nephew.  He is doing very well.  Scans are showing positive results, and each day seems to bring more good news.  Thank you for your love and prayers.  I was discussing this in my prayer group earlier this week, and trying to identify my deepest feelings.  I know life is short, and generally shorter than we anticipate.  Carter's story could have gone much differently.  I wrestled with my feelings; would I still be praising God if it had been bad news, instead of good?  God is able to handle all of my messy emotion and irrational behavior, thank goodness.  But would I have trusted Him if 'my' prayers weren't answered?  Sometimes we don't know the answer to those questions until we are in that situation.  I'd like to think that at some point I would conclude that I trust God, in the good and in the bad.  In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on God, knowing that terrible things can be used for good.  It's like spiritual exercise - just as an athlete trains for their next event, I want to prepare my soul for the challenges coming.  Death, loss, destruction, evil.  They are part of our fallen world.  Yet we know:

"In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world."  ~John 16:33b

Prayer - Lord, Your love of us is beyond comprehension.  You feel our hurt, pain, and confusion as we struggle in this world.  Help us to cling to You, secure in the knowledge that whatever befalls us, You are present.  May we bless You always.