Frustration

We all have days when we want to pull our hair out and scream as loud as we can.  Maybe not specifically at somebody, but more as a way of releasing pent up frustration.  This can be frustration towards oneself, to a circumstance beyond our control, someone else’s behavior, or even bad timing.  It seems as though problems conspire against us, building up, until one day they pounce, taking us by surprise.  Of course, when that moment arrives, inevitably, we forget everything we learned about good behavior.  Gone is the pleasant demeanor, the patience, and any trace of a smile.  It is easy to tell someone to step back and take a deep breath, but when it happens to us, all rational thought flies out the door.  What’s the answer?  Unfortunately, there isn’t a fix-all or magic button.  Perhaps giving ourselves permission to be frustrated or angry or upset (but not AT someone).  We need to take a few moments, preferably away from others, and get that out of our system.  It won’t fix the problem, change the circumstances, or make someone disappear, but it will give us a new perspective.  And more importantly, the ability to calmly handle whatever crisis we must face.  Plus the added benefits of no regretting quick tempers or harsh words or higher blood pressure!

Perfection

I am not perfect, but I am perfectly made.  What does that mean exactly?  As a human being, I will never be perfect.  Now honestly, some days that would bother me, and other days I could care less.  But on the days it matters, I struggle.  If perfection is unattainable - why bother?   What's the point?  Why do I work so hard to attempt to achieve the impossible?  And yet, I know that who I am is perfect.  I have a purpose that only I can fulfill.  I am the only being capable of using my particular abilities to achieve my specific purpose.  What is more perfect than that?  I am the only key that can open the lock.  No duplicates will suffice.  Regardless of my challenges or self-labeled imperfections, my entire being is a perfect creation with a perfect purpose.

Second Chances

Isn't it great that we have second chances?  Not only do we get to have a fresh start whenever we want, we are encouraged to do so!  I used to have this idea that if I tried something and didn't succeed, then I failed.  No opportunity for redemption, do not pass go, game over.  Talk about pressure!  Not only would that put me in a no-win situation, but why would I ever want to try anything new?  Especially with such a strong incentive to stick with the 'status quo'.  It was intimidating.  But I realized that I should really think of my attempts as stepping stones.  If I don't get something completely right the first time, I've still learned from the experience.  At the very least, I know what doesn't work!  But more importantly, I have improved my knowledge and now have experience I can use to reach my goal.  So even with a minor (or major) detour, I can still move forward.  

One step at a time

You can only give of yourself if you know what you have to give.  That makes sense.  I can't give that which I don't know exists.  I also can't give of that which I have depleted.  So, if I am to use my gifts appropriately and to their fullest capacity, I must identify what they are, and take care of them (and myself).  I believe that everyone has gifts and talents that they are called to share.  Unfortunately, however, we don't always hear or understand that call.  In the jumble of our busy lives, it may go unnoticed, or ignored.  An opportunity passes by, without us ever realizing.  How can we be open to that call, if we are not first open to the possibility?  Our hearts and minds must be prepared so we do not miss it.  This requires a commitment on our part; a commitment to our faith and to the belief that we have a responsibility to share.  Our lives are not meant to  be lived in isolation.  We worship in community for a reason:  we must help each other.  Sometimes that means we need to rely on others, so they can use their gifts and talents.  Other times, we are the ones who must step up and support those around us.  But this participation must be precipitated by a heart that is open to the call.  How does one open one's heart to such a call?  Through education and understanding.  How can we even begin to hope to understand God, if we are not reading God's Word and praying daily?  Without those tools to give us insight into God's call, our task would seem overwhelming.  Instead, we have a patient God, who meets us where we are and gives us the desire and graces we need, if we only ask.    

October 7, 2006 - Marriage

Today is my parents' 54th wedding anniversary. Wow. Does that happen anymore these days? Should it? That could be a whole other topic of conversation. Anyway, re-reading some of my previous journaling, I came across a section I wrote when I was frustrated over a guy and the situation we were in (or not in . . . depending on your point of view!). Here it is - from November 2005:

In my life, almost any girl I’ve talked to has had some type of plan for their wedding. I think I may have been the only exception. I have a friend who always talks about WHEN she gets married or WHEN we all have kids. I’m kinda like, how do you know that will happen? What guarantee are you subscribing to? There’s nothing to say, yes, you will have kids, you will get married, etc. Plus, in any of the books I’ve read over the past few years, thinking that way is not conducive to fully living in the here and now. How can you live in the present if you are constantly planning for or thinking about the future? So I’ve always been frustrated when people make those assumptions. Althought maybe I’m just being hypocritical, because I had/have all those crushes just the same. But I do not have any wedding plans or expectations. If it is supposed to happen, then I intend to share it with my fiancé. More and more, however, I do find myself open to the thought of children. Not that I’ve ever been against them. I love kids. All of my brothers and sisters have kids, and I love being an aunt. I really get to have a great relationship with them, and it’s neat. I’ve always enjoyed kids, but I’ve never felt the audacity to plan on having some of my own. But more and more, I find that I would like to raise children to ensure that they grow in the Catholic tradition that I love, and to help them become socially conscious, active citizens who love God. I guess I could also just become a teacher! I’ve also found myself dwelling more on a relationship between a husband and wife. I’m not referring to intimacy necessarily, but the reality of living the day-to-day life with someone. Someone who promises to be there always, no matter what. Who will take you on the good AND bad days. It may seem rather unromantic, but I see love as a choice. Yes, there has to be a spark, some attraction. But the commitment required to make a marriage work has more to do with the choice than with spark. I sometimes muse that I hope God is very clear if I am to be married, because a) I want to know when to make the choice, and b) if I see it as a choice I can make, and it obviously could be made and I’d want to be sure because c) once I decided, that’s it. I hope that doesn’t mean that the wrong someone could make me choose that way! But when I stopped to think about elaborate weddings and rehearsals and everything involved, it all comes down to 2 people making promises. And they have to believe that the other one means it. There’s no enforcer behind the scenes, there’s no guarantee. It’s just your word. That really made me think. This isn’t something I’m considering lightly, obviously. (and perhaps now, a little obsessively). I hope that made some sense. And of course, God has to be a major part of it. 3 are involved, not just 2.