Lenten Struggle

Lent has been difficult for me this year.  I know; it's supposed to be a challenge.  However, I feel that I'm experiencing more than the 'usual' struggles.  Maybe it's because I'm looking at life differently since my pilgrimage to the Holy Land.  Maybe I'm being tempted more and unable to resist.  Maybe God is giving me the opportunity to wholly rely on Him, and it scares me. 

Regardless, my human nature complains.  'Why this?  Why me?  Why?'  There are no easy answers.  I do not know God's mind, but I do believe in God's plan, even when it's hidden or obscure.  It seems as though God is permitting numerous obstacles so as to deepen my faith.  I'm certainly not to the level of Job, but I have been contemplating his life in the face of trials.  He was desolate and devastated, yet he still praised God:  "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." ~Job 1:21b

I recently shared a struggle with one friend, and I noted that I could see, looking back on a recent temptation when I was struggling and things seemed especially bleak, I felt more solid in my faith.  I might call it a litmus test where my faith came out stronger for being tested.  If I am struggling now, I cannot imagine how I could survive without God.  He spoke to me today, especially through song at Mass.  It continually amazes me how I can sing a song regularly, and then get a message when I need it most.  Tonight was one example.  Two songs nearly did me in, because I sang them with all my heart.  The first was "As a Deer Longs" adapted from Psalm 42.  

1. As the deer longs for flowing streams, so longs my soul for you, O God. My soul does thirst for the living God, when shall I come to see your face?
2. My tears have fed me day and night, while some have said, "Where is your God?" But I recall as my soul pours dry, the days of praise within your house.
3. Why do I mourn and toil within, when it is mine to hope in God? I shall again sing praise to him. He is my help; he is my house.

The last verse struck home.  Why do I mourn and fear and try to control things that I cannot?  "All" I have to do is hope in God.  That is the task set before me.  Should be simple, right?  Ha.  Yet, I feel that my current struggle to hope is more pleasing to God than my lip service when life is smooth sailing.  Think back to the reading about the widow's mite; she gave of her substance, not her excess.  My feelings are raw and life is chaos, so to give God my entire being in the midst of these challenges is giving of my substance.  

The second song that spoke to me was "Endless is Your Love" by Tom Kendzia, based on Psalm 139.

You know my heart. You know my mind.  You know my words long before I speak them.  There is no place that I can hide. Endless is your love for us. How vast the sum, of all your deeds! Endless is your love, for us.
1. Surely, there’s a place, even you don’t know. If I climb there, if I fly there, can I hide from you?
2. Can’t I hide at night, darkness be my light?  Can you see the day in darkness, can you find me there?
3. Wonderful your works, countless as the sand.  Earth and heaven know your beauty, fashioned by your hand. 

I realized that I was attempting to hide from God.  Not out of fear, but not quite able to completely turn everything over.  Surely, if I kept up appearances, God would think things were okay.  Perhaps if I hid my struggles, they would remain my secret?  Or if I didn't admit that I am lost, scared, and afraid, it wouldn't be true?  I realize it has been a long time since I posted on here, and as I sang the line, "You know my words long before I speak them," I knew I wasn't really fooling God.  I used excuses and distractions to hide the reality.  

Even though my challenges are not individually insurmountable, they do seem rather overwhelming all at once.  Therefore, I once again turn to God and beg for guidance.  I will  let the words of those two songs wash over me, again and again, remembering to praise God even, and perhaps especially, in the valley.